Journeys of Hope - Marilyn's Journey
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Marilyn
Van Derbur, crowned Miss America 1958, stood tall and
beautiful as she possessed looks, wit, and intelligence. Van
Derbur also had deep down within her, a devastating secret -
one secret that even she did not speak or admit. From the
age of 5 until she was 18, Marilyn's wealthy and prominent
father, sexually molested her. As a coping mechanism, Van
Derbur processed the tragic nightlife by dissociating
herself from the abuse. She did this by creating two people
or personalities within her- a daytime child and a nighttime
child. Neither was aware of the other's existence. The
feelings of abuse of this kind, or any kind, are "too
intense for a child to absorb; that's why children split
their minds", explains Van Derbur. Marilyn is a
nationally recognized motivational speaker. She gives
survivors of sexual abuse the most valuable gift of all,
hope.
As a member, a major contributor of donations, and as an
important keynote speaker for the Kempe National Center for
Prevention and Treatment for Child Abuse and Neglect in
Denver, Van Derbur, age 55, told her story to a supportive
audience. Unbeknownst to her, a newspaper reporter also
attended. The next day, her story appeared as a headline in
the Denver newspaper. For a few days following the public
release of her story, Van Derbur felt that she had been
violated once again. But then Van Derbur's sister, Gwen,
revealed that she, too, had been abused by their father.
People began coming up to Marilyn to thank her for coming
forth with her story. Gwen persisted to comfort her sister
Marilyn in the fact that everyone would have to believe her
now that the two stories coincided with the other. Marilyn
worried that, "if people didn't believe me, who would
believe a little child?" She returned home to call all
the television stations and the newspapers to give them her
unlisted phone number.
Marilyn preaches that "we need to educate the community
about the long-term effects of incest. Until some of the
long-term effects become general knowledge, we're not going
to turn the corner". In her case, the long-term effects
included tens of thousands of dollars in therapy, not
covered by insurance. At one point, Van Derbur went to
therapy sessions four times a week. Although to this day,
she cannot fall asleep without medication. She used to wake
up without fail at 2 a.m., waiting for the terror that was
once expected during the night. Her own journey to recovery
began when a caring minister sensed that something was very
wrong with her. At age 24, her youth minister asked her the
unthinkable question, "Did your father ever come into
your room at night?" That question jolted her repressed
memories.
Matters came head to head when Van Debur's daughter turned 5
years old. Beginning with a state of physical paralysis,
Marilyn began to break down, mentally and physically. She
later realized that her daughter's age had instigated
feelings about the abuse that had begun when she was 5
herself. In an attempt to gain some control over her life,
Van Derbur confronted her father. As a response to the
confrontation, her father told Marilyn that " if I had
known what it would have done to you, I never would have
done it". She didn't believe his words then. She does
not believe them now. She learned in recent years that he
never stopped violating. Her mother initially did not accept
Marilyn's story of the abuse to be true. Only after her
sister Gwen said that she had also been abused by their
father, was their mother forced to believe that incest had
occurred in her home for 18 years.
Van Debur wants to spread the word to anyone else who might
have lived in the daylight while harboring a night-child.
"You have to face the terror", Marilyn urges. At
the age of 45, Marilyn Van Debur began her journey from
darkness into light by speaking the word,
"incest", out loud, by revealing the secret that
had caused her so much suffering and shame for so many
years. Since that time, she and her family have helped
establish an adult survivor program in Denver, and she has
co-founded two national non-profit organizations formed to
strengthen the laws protecting child victims of sexual
abuse. Of the utmost importance, her courage has inspired
countless other victims to come out of the darkness and into
the light.
------Marilyn |
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